And you turn on Blue in Green and listen to it on a loop and you feel the bags
under your eyes and you know if you just stopped being so tense all the time
your back wouldn’t hurt and you’d sleep through the night, but these are not
things at which you excel. So the second your lunch break starts you walk out
the door and walk down the street and don’t even make the corner before you
start to cry and you’re wearing broken sunglasses which just adds to the
ridiculousness of your day, your life. And you can’t find the other pair of
sunglasses you bought. And you sit on a stoop and call your great aunt in
Kentucky because the sound of her voice makes you cry tears of love and tears
of exasperation. But she doesn’t answer and you leave her a message and you ask
how she is and you say, “I need some tough love. I love you. I hope we can talk
soon.” And you feel so not like the person you’re trying to be, sorry for yourself. And you sit and you pout and you get mad. You don’t feel
strong and that feeling has been the umbrella of this week, it’s been covering
everything. And this is what happens when you do too much at once, when you
have final papers and revisions and reflections and portfolios and early stages
of a sore throat and a looming dentist appointment and all you want is your
Saturday morning spinning class and all you really want is the energy to bike
100 miles during the week like you’re capable of doing. And you are too busy to see your therapist and push the appointment back yet another week and that's never a good thing, never ever.
I want to either understand Twitter or forget
about it. Right now, I don’t get the appeal. I want to run instead
of reaching for bread. I eat too much bread. I want to not worry about
swearing on here. I want to get rid of the egg shells I place around myself. I
want to go to sleep for the next two days. I want Mexican food: steak tacos
with cilantro and onion, and strawberry margaritas. When I meet my girlfriend
for drinks tonight I want to flirt with a stranger at the bar. I want to hold
eye contact when men look at me. I want to stop craving mint chocolate chip ice
cream. I want to stop having horrible thoughts about people on the bus. I want
to have the energy to run four miles outside.
I want to stop expecting so much of people. I want to not be so annoyed when I send an email and don't get a response. I want to remember other people's laziness has nothing to do with me. I want people to give a shit. I want less attitude from baristas when I occasionally ask for "a little bit of whipped cream" on my lite frappuccino. I want to not crave so many sandwiches. I want to not have to go to the dentist tomorrow. I want baseball to start now. I'm tired of waiting. I want to stop saying yes to things I don't want to do. I want to remember how good it feels to sometimes say no. I want to be less annoyed by columns I read. I know I can write for these publications. I want to send pitches and hope for the best and shut up about it. I want people in power who are trying to take away my right to take care of my body stopped. I want the people who support them stopped. I don't care to understand them. I want peace for myself and for everyone desperately trying to find it. I want a weekend of Friday Night Lights, magazines, and running. I want to always feel the calm I feel while watching that show, seeing a life there. I can't explain it and I don't have to. I see it in my mind. I can see myself there, yes, in Texas. Alone and happy and not afraid. Strong and starting over without the enormous mistakes I carry with me every moment of the day. I want to not feel bad for wanting more.
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