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March 16, 2012

i want.

I am tired, so profoundly and unbelievably tired. In every sense of the word. I turned in final papers and portfolios and I’m unhappy with everything. I reached the point of being unable to look at another Microsoft Word file and being unable to stomach my own words, my professors’ words, my classmates’ words. Because I’m tired and overtired and annoyed. And sometimes it’s hard to be happy for people who seem to have wonderful things falling in their laps and of course this is not the case, nothing is falling in their laps, not all of the time, and of course the grass is not always greener on their lawn and of course tomorrow will be better and Sunday will be even better than that because it’s the one day you know how to really slow down. But sometimes you have one of those mornings when too many people email you and call you and need something from you and you want to scream. And you want more, more, more. Every second of your life, it’s never enough.



And you turn on Blue in Green and listen to it on a loop and you feel the bags under your eyes and you know if you just stopped being so tense all the time your back wouldn’t hurt and you’d sleep through the night, but these are not things at which you excel. So the second your lunch break starts you walk out the door and walk down the street and don’t even make the corner before you start to cry and you’re wearing broken sunglasses which just adds to the ridiculousness of your day, your life. And you can’t find the other pair of sunglasses you bought. And you sit on a stoop and call your great aunt in Kentucky because the sound of her voice makes you cry tears of love and tears of exasperation. But she doesn’t answer and you leave her a message and you ask how she is and you say, “I need some tough love. I love you. I hope we can talk soon.” And you feel so not like the person you’re trying to be, sorry for yourself. And you sit and you pout and you get mad. You don’t feel strong and that feeling has been the umbrella of this week, it’s been covering everything. And this is what happens when you do too much at once, when you have final papers and revisions and reflections and portfolios and early stages of a sore throat and a looming dentist appointment and all you want is your Saturday morning spinning class and all you really want is the energy to bike 100 miles during the week like you’re capable of doing. And you are too busy to see your therapist and push the appointment back yet another week and that's never a good thing, never ever.


I want to either understand Twitter or forget about it. Right now, I don’t get the appeal. I want to run instead of reaching for bread. I eat too much bread. I want to not worry about swearing on here. I want to get rid of the egg shells I place around myself. I want to go to sleep for the next two days. I want Mexican food: steak tacos with cilantro and onion, and strawberry margaritas. When I meet my girlfriend for drinks tonight I want to flirt with a stranger at the bar. I want to hold eye contact when men look at me. I want to stop craving mint chocolate chip ice cream. I want to stop having horrible thoughts about people on the bus. I want to have the energy to run four miles outside.

I want to stop expecting so much of people. I want to not be so annoyed when I send an email and don't get a response. I want to remember other people's laziness has nothing to do with me. I want people to give a shit. I want less attitude from baristas when I occasionally ask for "a little bit of whipped cream" on my lite frappuccino. I want to not crave so many sandwiches. I want to not have to go to the dentist tomorrow. I want baseball to start now. I'm tired of waiting. I want to stop saying yes to things I don't want to do. I want to remember how good it feels to sometimes say no. I want to be less annoyed by columns I read. I know I can write for these publications. I want to send pitches and hope for the best and shut up about it. I want people in power who are trying to take away my right to take care of my body stopped. I want the people who support them stopped. I don't care to understand them. I want peace for myself and for everyone desperately trying to find it. I want a weekend of Friday Night Lights, magazines, and running. I want to always feel the calm I feel while watching that show, seeing a life there. I can't explain it and I don't have to. I see it in my mind. I can see myself there, yes, in Texas. Alone and happy and not afraid. Strong and starting over without the enormous mistakes I carry with me every moment of the day. I want to not feel bad for wanting more.

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