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April 20, 2012

on taking a breath.

i need to address something. 

when i started this blog this past december, i said i would be honest about everything. i promised to be honest about the things i choose to put on this page, both positive and horrendously negative. that hasn't changed. i'm choosing to share many things i'm going through, not all of them, but a lot. i don't regret this. sharing what i'm going through is mostly a selfish thing. i need to let go of things, secrets, fears, and wants. because it makes me feel better to talk about them, to "say" them out loud. because i know i'm not the only one going through these things. and sometimes just so i can sleep. 

but one post on a random thursday afternoon is not my whole story. it is not everything. it is one piece, please remember that. 

i used to watch "the biggest loser" and take notes. literally. i would lean forward on the couch or my chair as if looking harder and closer and squinting at the television would ensure i "got" everything about that show that was important. i wrote down the quotes on the wall. i became obsessed with weighing myself and numbers, numbers of everything. sometimes i still struggle with this, more than i would like. i compared my life to what those contestants were going through. at my worst, i weighed more than most of the women on that show. and some of the men.

it makes my body hurt to even type those words. 

i have put my body through hell. through hell. and i continue to do this to my heart. that is why i go to therapy. because i recognize that i have a problem. problems with how i see myself, how i forgive myself, how i love myself.

it is hard. sometimes it is really fucking hard to feel things. i'm training myself to feel. i've been doing it since i started therapy. it is a job. it is a job to train myself to not hide from how i feel especially on the really bad days. sometimes the last thing i want to do is sit in his office and explain why i'm crying or why i'm angry. it's easy to lie and say, "i'm fine." actually feeling things takes work. that is why people numb themselves. people will use anything to not feel things: drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling. my choice was food. 

sometimes after i post an entry like the one i posted yesterday i'll get a few texts or emails from girlfriends. "just checking in..." i love them for it, but i don't always want to talk about what i write on here. i've been told it's unfair and unrealistic of me to want it all. but i do. i've always been open about that fact. i know it's a tall order to say, "i'm posting this. i'm putting it into the universe. i'm unburdening myself of it. i love you for reading it and supporting me, but i don't want to talk about it further." but that's what i'm doing and that's what i need right now. i'm sorry because i know that's asking a lot. as much as i let people in via this blog, i still only talk about things so much. walls. lots of em'.

on my break during class last night, i opened an email from a good friend who said, "i love you. now love yourself, k?" i do love myself, i'm learning how to do that. but some days, it's the most foreign feeling. those days happen when other days pile up. just last week someone said to me, "you're falling in love with yourself right now." i love that. she's right. i am falling in love with myself right now. i'm courting myself. that is my story. it is imperative to show ourselves love, in both monumental (going to therapy) and tiny ways (getting up from my desk and walking for thirty minutes at lunch just to feel the sun on my face.) big and small and in between, we all need to show ourselves love.

how do you show yourself love?

i love myself enough to keep an appointment with jim when the last thing i want to do is take the two buses and train to go see him.

i love myself enough to listen to jim when he says, "you know what you want and more importantly what you don't want. and that is everything, rhi."

i love myself enough to say no to the boy who says careless things via text late at night. 

i love myself enough to know that i deserve a man.

i love myself enough to say no to friday night plans that may get in the way of my spinning class at 10:00 on saturday morning.

i love myself enough to say no to anything that will get in the way of feeling good.

i love myself enough to remember it's OKAY TO SAY NO.

i love myself enough to say no to a piece of pie someone gave me to say thank-you. thank you lovely person i did a tiny favor for, but i don't want that. and i didn't say no because one piece of pie is going to make or break me, but i said no because i don't want even a tiny second of feeling, "i shouldn't eat this piece of chocolate pie. i only biked x number of miles or went to the gym x number of days." that is noise and i don't want noise in my life.

i love myself enough to cook myself real food: roasted chicken with green beans, steak tacos with cilantro and onions, gnocchi with marinara. 

i love myself enough to take a hot bath and drink three glasses of wine if i want. because i don't do that every day or even every week. moderation. moderation and balance. and a little bit of indulgence.

i love myself enough to remind myself AS OFTEN AS NECESSARY that food does not control me. and even on the days it feels like it does, i will remember that it doesn't. and in the moments i don't believe or listen to myself, because 99% of life is about listening to ourselves, i will call my friends and listen to them. 

i love myself enough to go through my clothing and get rid of EVERY SINGLE THING that doesn't make me feel beautiful. "it can't just fit. it must flatter." 

i love myself enough to get rid of coats, three coats!, that don't fit and definitely don't flatter. because if you're fidgeting in a coat on the bus/train/corner and checking your reflection in every coffee shop window, that coat/shirt/dress needs to go. 

anything that makes you feel less than what you are fighting to be needs to go.

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