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May 12, 2012

the woman you want to be.

in jim's office on thursday, it was around the fourth time he asked why are you so angry that i snapped. 

"you know why i'm angry," i said.
"yes, i know why you're angry. you need to say it," he said. "at the base of everything you do is anger. why are you so angry?"
"jim, there's not enough time in the hour, not enough time in this day."

he looked at me, and with a face that screamed you will not move forward until you answer this question, he said, "be the woman you want to be, not the woman you used to be."

the woman i want to be. 

i want to be the kind of woman who is diligent about flossing and extra diligent about sunscreen. a woman who says yes to dating. a woman who dances barefoot in her kitchen to sam cooke while she makes herself dinner. i want to be the kind of woman who travels much more, especially within this city. i want to be the kind of woman who spends more time on her building's deck reading and drinking coffee and staring at the skyline, especially on the days she forgets how far she's come. i want to be the kind of woman who has sunday dinners with her girlfriends: roasted chicken, potatoes, and wine. a woman who keeps learning italian. i want to be the kind of  woman who continues to say yes to other people, but learns to say yes to herself just as often. the kind of woman who does not shake off compliments, but accepts them with grace. 

a woman who keeps moving forward even when it feels impossible. it's not impossible. she's pushed through impossible. she will do it again.

a woman who knows how lucky she is because she gets to witness moments like this and they remind her how beautiful the future is going to be. 

the woman you want to be.

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