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July 16, 2012

on happiness, the embrace and fear of it.

sometimes there are things that come upon you and crack you open. you feel as if someone has shaken you and covered you in the most foreign feelings you can imagine.

sometimes you have good day after good day and happiness becomes something you can hold. you can feel it in your hands. and the fear of being hurt, though it never goes away, is shadowed by the fear of being happy. and the things you most want become things you push away because that's your instinct. you think, if i have this good thing then that makes it real which means it’s an actual possibility that i could get hurt. but bigger than all of this is the fear of not taking a chance, of not giving yourself the chance. the chance to see how good something can be. the chance to acknowledge how much good you deserve.

if you carry these prayers with you you’ll learn that your love and approval are all you need. 

sometimes you have to sit with yourself. sit and do nothing. this takes work.

you have to sit and feel what you're most afraid of. you have to feel the things you've been pushing down inside of you and you have to hold them in your hand, the things you used to allow to weigh you down. and you get to a moment where you can hear these things and feel yourself slowly letting them go. you know what you want. you will get there. you must learn to be patient with yourself. this is just as crucial as learning to love yourself. 

it takes time and work, actual work, to recognize happiness, to embrace it. to hold it to your heart and say, i remember you. i’ve missed you. i’m choosing to keep you around.

happiness is running and loving it, feeling like you could keep doing it if you didn’t have to shower and go to work and do other things that need to be done. happiness is feeling how strong you’re becoming and looking down at your legs while you’re running and thinking, i built those muscles. i’m building this body. i’m building a beautiful life for myself.

we must build the life we want. no one else will do this for us. nor should we be looking for someone else to do this job.

my life is my job.

happiness is eating a sandwich on a bench and not filling the silence. happiness is loving silence. 

happiness is realizing how blessed you are to sit next to a man and not feel the need to fill silence. to sit with a man you can be still with. that is a blessing.

happiness takes time. and it takes time to be able and willing to take time with yourself.  

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