these are your instructions. part II.

begin with something hollow. 

take a breath and sit. sit with a blank word document or legal pad or stack of neon pink post-its. start writing. get it out. sit in it. it. the it you feel in every part of yourself. you sit with your feelings or you ignore them. you try to ignore them. this is your choice. but there is no ignoring these things and if you are able to numb and ignore how you feel, this doesn't last. nor should it. be thankful that this doesn't last.  in attempting to ignore things we feel them tenfold. we try not to think about how happy we are or how overwhelmed we are and in that moment it's all we can think about. this is how it works. thinking about feelings makes the feelings real.

feelings are real. 

if you can't sleep at night and if you feel the need to abuse yourself in a multitude of ways these aren't accidents.

if you feel something to the extent that your bones ache, pay attention. life rule #1: pay attention. we weren't built to be robots. people feel things. this is a gift. don't throw it away.

sit. it's hard to do this. it's hard to sit on a bench in a park and eat lemon cupcakes with a friend and talk about heavy things. 

but i did this today. i dragged a friend to go sit in a beautiful park. and i got a little preachy. i got preachy because i love her and worry about her and want more for her. i want more for everyone i care about. 

we sat on this bench and talked about things that are happening to her. there are a lot. and she puts more on her shoulders. i know that game. 

i sat with her and felt the sadness she thinks is swallowing her whole. 

it's not.

it won't. she won't let it. i won't let it. in that moment on that bench under those trees she couldn't see a way out of a bad situation, but i could. 

are you happy? 

what do you want? 

two important questions we should constantly be asking ourselves. if we don't like the answers then we work on changing them. this is what we do. these are our instructions. there is no manual for life. our gut is our manual. our heart is our manual. our brain makes things harder than necessary. and sometimes we make things harder than necessary. 

this girl i sat next to, she said things i used to say to myself. and i told her, you are the only one who can change this. this is your life. and you can change it. 

i worry about this girl and at the same time i don't worry. she's strong, stronger than she sees in the mirror right now and stronger than she feels when she wakes up. i'm here to remind her when she forgets. 

this is your life. 

sit. be still. practice being still with yourself. it's worth the energy. you are worth the energy.