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July 20, 2012

these are your instructions.

these are your instructions
should you choose to follow
sit down with pen and paper
begin with something hollow

sometimes life catches up with you. part of it is being overtired and part is feeling not enough and part is being a woman and the things we go through and part is simply having emotions. lots of them. but you remember that in spite of this stuff you have beautiful and good things happening in your life. and beautiful and good people in your life. sometimes you don't know what to do with that feeling. 

you try to change this. 

you run. you run through your neighborhood and you fall more in love with all of it. there is color here. stories. there is life here.

you make lists. you make plans. you dive in. 

you take the beautiful things people do for you and acknowledge them. you look at these things and hold them and feel them. you return them. you do not fight them and push them away. you do not diminish them. it's okay to accept kindness and sweetness from people, from a man.

when it's late at night and a man pays attention and calls you on things, be thankful for that. listen to his question. answer it. when this man continues to show you warmth and kindness, stop shaking your head. stop trying to convince yourself that none of it is real.    

tell yourself, "it's okay to accept these things. he's real, rhi."
  
you call your mom just to hear her voice. it calms your soul. you say a prayer that you can call your mom. you cry on the phone. you tell her how happy you are. you tell her you’re afraid. you tell her why. you say out loud the things you worry about: the body things, the health things, the work things, the writing things, the life things. you realize that all of these things do not control you. she picks you up and has mary chapin carpenter playing and you smile because you learned to love that woman because of your mom. you grew up singing those songs in her car.

sometimes you just need to spend the night in your old house with dogs who love to jump and kiss all over you. 

you text your girlfriends. they know you, who you are in your soul, and they always know the words you need. 

you walk, walk, then you walk some more. you get out of your chair if all you’re doing is staring out the window and it doesn’t feel good like it usually does. 

if something doesn’t feel good, stop doing it.

not wanting to do something is enough. you don't need to offer up more reasons for not wanting to do things. you don't need to demand this of yourself.

you allow yourself to be happy. 

it really is that simple. you grant yourself that permission. because you are the only one who can give it.

these are your instructions
if you choose to follow
stop and take a big breath
begin with something hollow

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