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August 18, 2012

on faith.

you sit in a crowded train on a tuesday night. you wanted to be there for someone. so you got on a train.

you get away from the noise of the city and all it entails, if only for one night. 

you sit across the aisle from a woman eating what smells like fried chicken. you think that if you boarded the train at the first station you would've walked past a fried chicken restaurant. this same restaurant sits at the corner of your grandma's old street. you only ate from this restaurant on the fourth of july when you'd sit with your cousins and aunts and uncles and watch the parade from the curb. you'd sit in front of a hardware store that, to this day, makes you think of your grandfather. you think of how much you miss the sight of him in his garage and how it smelled just like that store. you think of the fact that the man you're with reminds you of him: warm, kind, relaxed. someone who loves to fish. 

you look at this woman sitting across from you and you close your eyes. you can smell it. you think, a chicken sandwich. a chicken sandwich will make me feel less anxious right now. a chicken sandwich will make me feel less stressed and worried. eating a chicken sandwich will make me temporarily forget the shame i feel for wanting a chicken sandwich. 

you sometimes still need to distinguish between your reasons for wanting a chicken sandwich. because sometimes the reasons are bad. even still. even now. and that is called a bad day.

that is called a bad moment. 

that is not called undoing the past three years of work. 

you think about the article you're writing about a basketball player. you think of her voice on the phone today when she said, "i want to win." you think about how much you want to run, run and not stop. you think about how much you could accomplish if you didn't think and talk yourself out of things.

you think about how tired all your thinking makes you. 

you sit there and you stop. 

you stop reading the emails that are making you more stressed. you stop thinking about the things that are making you tired and worried. you stop being mad at yourself for taking twenty seconds to think about eating a chicken sandwich because it's something warm. 

the warmth and safety you crave is not wrapped in a piece of foil.

you will find it. you're getting there. have faith that you will carry yourself the rest of the way.

you think of what jim told you, this is your time. wrap yourself in the warmth and joy of everything. let yourself be happy. you deserve to be this happy. it's your time now. let it be.

he shakes his head a lot. you've really got to try and let things be, rhi.

you choose. you can choose to have more faith in things, more faith and less fear. or you can choose the opposite. 

faith in yourself is always the better option.

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