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August 22, 2012

on fear, part 3 of 1,000.

you're a pro at fear.

a friend said this to me at work last week. i stood in her office and nodded. 

nodding in agreement doesn't stop tears. if anything, nodding shakes them loose.

yes. yes, you're right. i'm afraid of this thing and that thing and saying them out loud makes them real. 

they are real. they've been real. the days of avoiding are over. the days of numbing are over. 

this is called creating a life of one's own. 

keep doing it.

what do you do when you're afraid?
afraid you won't find the amazing job you've been searching for.
afraid you'll gain back every pound you've lost.
afraid you'll never know what it's like to sit down to a meal, look at your plate, and not be flooded with guilt.
afraid you'll never be able to look at your body and not hate what you see, even for two seconds.
afraid you could lose everything and everyone you love. 
afraid you'll never learn to breathe and follow the simple instruction, let it be.

you take a breath. 

you sit. you stand. you run. you do whatever makes you breathe easier. 

you fight. for everything.

you write. you write about everything you want to shake from your bones. write all day and night until you feel lighter. until you actually feel these things leave you. 

you let them leave you.

you apply, email, edit, write, call, pray, scream, swear, apply more, edit more, write more.

you pray more.  

you pray for the strength and grace to create this new life for yourself. you pray for the wisdom to find the things you need. 

you say thank you.

you take your anger and aggression out on the treadmill and the punching bag.

you cry to your best friends.

you get angry again.

you stop feeling sorry for yourself.

you listen to every mary chapin carpenter and bob marley song you love. you listen to the words. you look at them and close your eyes as you listen again and again. what are you trying to find? open those eyes, rhiannon. 

you take the bad days and compare them to the bad days you used to have. you pay attention to the difference.

the voice that tells you not to eat breakfast because you had too much pizza for dinner, do not listen to that voice. the voice that tells you to eat skittles if you crave them, it's okay to listen to that voice. but you don't want a second bag. you know you don't want a second bag. your brain will trick you into thinking you do. 

your brain will betray you more times than you can count.

you can choose to stop betraying yourself. choose to start right now.

you remind yourself as often as you need to do what you need to be doing, which is living, fully, completely. this means feeling your fears, even when you think they could swallow you whole. you feel them, slowly at first, like checking the temperature of bath water. but the slow part has to stop and you have to sit and feel these things. as you do this, you will come to see that these fears are not bigger than you. 

your fear is not bigger than you.

when you feel stuck, in every sense of the word, how do you get unstuck?

you take that anger and exhaustion and do something with it. 

you fight.

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