i found this
and was inspired to make my own. (because i need an excuse to make any list.)
maybe some of these are also things i'm afraid to tell myself.*
*they are.
1. i bought
size 14 pants yesterday.
this is
okay.
however,
just typing those words makes me physically uncomfortable. most things i wear
are a size large. it's a mental thing. i couldn't bring myself to buy a shirt
in XL from old navy the other day. i wouldn't do it. i don't want anything with
an X hanging up in my closet. but last night, i bought beautiful emerald green
khaki capris from gap. i wear a size 10 in gap jeans. i wear a 10 in old navy
jeans. maybe after a few months of more running i'll fit into a size 8. or
maybe i'll need a size 12 because my thigh muscles will get bigger. maybe i'll
stay a size 10 until i'm 65 years old.
maybe,
maybe, maybe. sometimes all the maybes in the world really piss me off.
i can't
control how stores design their clothing and i can't control how things fit on
my body. i can control the shape of my body to an extent. i can control how
toned my legs are and how much i exercise. i can control how much effort i put
into changing my body and toning my stomach. but when you lose and gain 100
pounds your body develops other plans. when you do this to yourself twice,
sometimes it's hard to even look at yourself in the mirror.
i haven't
gained weight. in fact, i'm continuing to lose, slowly, very slowly. i'm six
pounds away from my next goal weight. the point is i'm healthy and i'm getting
healthier. running is working. running always, always makes me feel
good. and this starts with feeling exhausted. but it's an exhausted i'm
earning. earn your tired.
2. i haven't
gone to yoga in over a month.
i don't miss
it.
a part of me
does, but running has replaced the meditating i was trying to do on my
navy blue mat. i will come back to it at some point, but during that 75-minute
class, i was spending too much time in my head, beating myself up, questioning
myself, doubting myself, holding back tears because i felt that i could not do
what seemed to come so easily to everyone around me. i would look at molly who
was always so relaxed and think, "why can't i be like that?" these
things don't happen when i run. none of them. running is the only time when i
do not think about two dozen things at once.
so i'm going
to continue to run.
3. these
words give me hope. and make me feel light:
God is
always seeking you. Every sunset. Every clear blue sky. Each ocean wave. The
starry hosts of night. He blankets each new day with the invitation, "I am
here."
Louie
Giglio
i miss going
to mass. i'm going to change this. but i don't need to go to mass to pray.
prayer is a wonderful thing.
4. i hate
that i bought size 14 pants yesterday. even with everything i just wrote. i
still hate it.
5. i don't
like to keep a lot of food in my apartment. it makes me nervous. grocery
shopping is tricky sometimes. sitting down to meals where a lot of food is on
the table can be tricky. i never crave an entire table's worth of food, but
just being around that much makes me nervous sometimes. and other times i'm
completely fine. i sometimes wonder, was i always like this? did i ever
pause to look at the weight of what was on that table and what it would come to
symbolize to me?
the answer
is no. i never paused. i didn't learn to pause until i was twenty-five
years old.
i have to
remind myself to pause. i can't expect to undo 25 years of behavior overnight.
i often forget to remember this.
Hmm... This list makes me want to give you a hug. Until today I hadn't read about your struggle w/ food, but I just want you to know I get that. Probably not 100%, but to a point I do.
ReplyDeleteAlso, just go to mass. You won't regret it. I don't know a person who ever has.
:) Thank you. I read your post and wish I could give YOU a hug.
ReplyDeleteIt gets better. Time heals. It really does.
p.s. I went to mass yesterday. Sigh. :)