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October 22, 2012

a dream about a birthday.

on friday night i dreamt about my grandmother. 

it was her birthday and i couldn't find candles for the cake. my whole family was there and i was frantic, searching for pink candles for a chocolate cake. 

i am someone who has to know why. always. growing up, i was that child. i still am. 

why did i have this dream? why was it her birthday? what does it mean?

maybe it's because things in my life are particularly crazy right now and when that happens i think of what she would do. she'd get tough, which would be easy for her. she was tough. but it was a quiet strength. she worked hard. she just didn't talk about it. growing up i was afraid of her. she was loving in her own way. but it was a quiet love. 

i wish i could be more like this.  

maybe it's because i wish i could sit at her kitchen table one more time as we go over her grocery list, just to make sure i knew exactly what type of salad dressing she wanted: the wishbone spray bottle. and the pie: cherry first, then peach, but only if they don't have cherry. i still smile every time i see potato bread. it made me laugh; she was the only person i knew who loved it. and the boxes of spearmint tic tacs she kept on top of her television. i used to sneak them while she was in the bathroom. she never said anything about it. 

maybe it's because i wish i could sit at her kitchen table and over wheel of fortune ask for advice and tell her about my life: my writing, the love i've found-i picture her nodding, semi-smiling and waiting for me to finish talking before she'd say, he sounds like your grandfather, my plans and how i can't stop making them. and how sometimes my fear that i won't make these things happen keeps me from sleeping.

maybe it's because i've been thinking about my birthday lately. i'll turn 28 in less than two months. good Lord, when did that happen? maybe it's because birthdays are about wishes. but i wish i could ask her my questions. 

those lists are so long.

but i'd start with, gram, why potato bread?

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