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November 27, 2012

for the prayers we hold in the silence of our hearts.

one of my favorite parts of church has always been the "prayers of the faithful," particularly this line:

for the prayers we hold in the silence of our hearts

i love how those words sound together. the silence of our hearts, so much happens there.

as the priest said those words sunday morning and i sat in the pew with a hand full of animal crackers i thought about all of the prayers i keep quiet. the prayers i'm afraid to say in my head, in the bath, while falling alseep at night. 

thoreau tells us to live the life you've imagined. 

this is hard for me, so very hard for me.

being afraid to ask for something means i'm afraid to acknowledge wanting. wanting leads to disappointment. but it leads to so much joy too.

joy is wonderful. joy is contagious when you let yourself feel it. give yourself permission to have the life you want. to go after the life you want. you deserve that much. until you believe that you won't go anywhere. 

some days i believe this with every part of me and no one can convince me otherwise. other days no one can get through to me, least of all myself.

it comes down to self-worth, how much we love ourselves. some days are hard. still. i wonder when the hard part will stop or when it will feel less. i have faith it's going to happen. but sometimes things, all of the things on my plate, are really fucking hard. sometimes i want to eat a spoonful of cookie dough for breakfast. so i do. then i have a second. and i don't want to go to the gym. and all i can do is sit and worry. i'm so very good at that. but as hard as it is for me to believe sometimes, i am thankful for these moments. the moments when i shake myself and wake the fuck up and say, this is a bad moment, not a bad life. stop.

a bad moment does not equal a bad life. say this over and over and over.

i go for a walk. i sit down and write. i tell myself that tomorrow will be better. 

i believe that tomorrow will be better. today can be better too. we can make things better.

i resolve to go to bed early and wake earlier. i resolve go to the gym when it's nineteen degrees outside and i'd like very much to sleep another hour. my body, my mind, my heart all need the gym. i resolve to take that extra energy and do something with it. i resolve to put up my tree. i resolve to listen to dean martin and frank sinatra and nat king cole, men with lovely voices. i resolve to stop obsessing and looking in mirrors and being mean to myself. i resolve to say thank you everyday.

i have worked too hard to not continue to bring good upon my life.

i resolve to think of the good. always think of the good.

the prayers we're afraid to say out loud are always the loudest. faith takes work. i'll get there. i have faith we all will.

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