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December 12, 2012

on fear and faith. and juggling the two.

we do things because we have to. 

sometimes they're unbearably hard, but we do them. we do them especially when it would be easier to walk away. 

those moments when we're tempted to walk away, we're walking away from ourselves. we're ignoring ourselves. no one else loses if and when we choose to do this.

it's hard to say, out loud, what we need from other people. it's really hard.

why is it so hard?

we don't feel deserving enough. or good enough. we don't feel like fighting for ourselves.

we all need to be fighting for ourselves.

it's hard to get to the place where we're capable of fighting. i won't lie and pretend that it's not.

i love myself. i really do. but it's taken a long time to get here.

and some days i don't. at all. and nobody can convince me that i should. it's not a 24/7 thing. it just isn't. life doesn't work that way.

should is a dangerous word. it implies obligation and weight and pressure. i really should be doing this. i should feel this way. the absence of the should is a feeling of failure in a sense.

these days happen. and these days pass. and it's on these days when i know i must show myself more kindness and love. it took me twenty-five years to learn how to be kind to myself. you better believe i want to help others learn. and learn much earlier than me.

i see glimpses of this particular sadness in other people, especially women. i can look at someone on a train platform and feel that they hate themselves. i can see how they're doing everything possible to not be seen. i remember what that was like.

i love myself enough to ask for what i need. a ride, a hug, a glass of wine, to be met halfway, to not be the only one doing the lifting. i love myself enough to remember how much more i deserve. i love myself enough to remember it's okay to need things. this is normal. this is life.

it's hard to ask for what we need. it's hard to feel like we can't do things ourselves. 

we were not put on this earth to walk it alone.

don't ever apologize for needing.

i love myself enough to eat the salad when i want the burger, but i also love myself enough to eat a burger when i really want a burger, when my body is craving this. i love myself enough to listen to my body and give it what it needs: sleep, a hot bath, a run, twenty miles on the bike. 

i love myself to quiet all the other voices around me. 

i love myself enough to listen. to the girlfriend who reminds me so much of my younger self it shakes me. shakes me and makes me laugh because the universe has one heck of a sense of humor. and when she says, "i feel like this is it, like this is as good as it gets," and you can see her future so clearly, but she can't, you tell her, "you have to fight. you have to start fighting." 

faith in yourself. this is step one.

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