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January 4, 2013

on resolutions.

i used to be a habitual maker of resolutions, grand resolutions. never small ones. the lists were long. they had everything to do with my body and nothing with my heart.

time has changed this.

during the bad years they were: i will lose 100 pounds. i will stop going to mcdonald's twice a day. i will stop eating a bag of reese's peanut butter cups over the course of an evening. i will go for a walk without fear of an asthma attack.

in the "better" years: i will lose 25 pounds. i will lose 15 pounds. i will go to the gym seven days a week. i will reach this weight by this day and stay there until the day i die. no excuses. anything less is failure.

there was no love in those resolutions. no love and no actual plan. having the dreaded thought of, i will lose x number of pounds by x date is a seat at overwhelming, table for one.

i was on the elliptical at 6:30 this morning and i felt different. i noticed this because i know what it means to pay attention. my body felt different. my waist is smaller. things are getting tighter. i'm getting healthier. i thought all of these things as i moved up and down and challenged myself. i dragged myself out of bed at 4:30 to get on a bus at 5:30 and make it to the gym that's forty five minutes away. it was fifteen degrees outside when i left. but i went. i went because i'm a better person after i go. i go for my heart. and this in turn trickles down to my body. we all win.

it's when you can actually feel yourself, your body changing, that you realize how powerful awareness is. because you remember what you were like before it.  

be present for your life. it's not enough to show up. be present and participate.

i believe in resolutions, realistic and kind ones. i believe in keeping the promises we make to ourselves.  

this year is a good one. 

i resolve to stay on the path i'm on: spinning, running, boxing, swimming. i know where i'd like to be and while it does involve a number, more than that, it's a feeling. a place of genuine health and happiness. some days i am there, fully there. other days i'm knee deep in stress.

i resolve to remember those days are fleeting.

i resolve to walk more, as often as i can, as far as i can. to just walk. walking heals us. one foot in front of the other, with music in your ears or just the birds. walk. just walk.

i resolve to say yes more. to the things that make me come alive, laugh until i can't breathe, and feel light.

i resolve to continue to say no to the things that do none of these.

i resolve to eat more dark chocolate and less cheese. less diet coke too.

i resolve to give myself a break if i want chinese or mexican.

i resolve to forgive myself for the second margarita that is so wonderful because it's so rare. 

i resolve to read more and floss more and be better about following the off season moves of the white sox.

i resolve to write more and to find more places to share these words. i resolve to find ways to help my fellow women of this world.

i resolve to continue to kiss ben for no reason. 

i resolve to make plans that involve swimsuits and fedoras and road trips and copious amounts of good music.

i resolve to remember to continue to fight for what i want and deserve, but i resolve to find balance in this, in having patience with myself and the world around me as i carve my place in it.

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