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January 25, 2013

this is how you love yourself. you find your sweet spot.


it's the front row of spinning class, your church, one of them. you push, even on the mornings you spend more time looking at the clock than the instructor. you got yourself there. you're supposed to be uncomfortable. you hear these words. uncomfortable means work means movement means change means growth means you keep pushing. it does not mean pain. there is a difference. pay attention to the difference. life is sometimes pain, but mostly pushing. you offer a prayer: let me leave here stronger than when i walked in. help me remember this is within my reach, always. this is how you love yourself.

it's sitting in your last graduate class, completely disagreeing with what the person across the room is saying. and making it known. it's hearing their thoughts, but defending your own. there is always something to learn. there is always more than one way to to see something. listen completely and then go to work. speak your truth. this is how you love yourself.

it's watching basketball at a bar with your boyfriend and four of his best friends, people he's known most of his life. with a beer and a really good onion-loaded burger in front of you. a table with so much laughter and history and warmth you could sit there for days. you see future glimpses of this table, full of even more love. you look forward to these days. this is how you love yourself.

it's bonnie raitt on a loop. this is how you love yourself.

it's wrapped up in blankets and warm sweaters in bed watching an excessive number of west wing episodes. it's realizing that hours upon hours of this show make you speak faster. and sometimes want to debate. you laugh at all of this. you pay attention to the smart and sharp writing. you remind yourself that this is your goal, your path. you're getting there. this is how you love yourself.

it's saying out loud, over and over, how you feel. it's owning your words and feelings. it's loving yourself enough to give voice to them. it is possible to change how you feel. and the first step to changing how you feel is saying how you feel. this is scary and this is hard, which is why most people don't. some days you won't want to. that's okay. being present and paying attention to yourself, your soul, being kind to yourself takes practice and time. give yourself the time. this is how you love yourself.

it's pouring a cup of coffee on sunday morning and feeling a tug on your leg. it's smiling and scooping eva up into your arms. it's a silent prayer, for all of this. this is how you love yourself.

it's acceptance on a bus at 5:30 in the morning. it's closing your eyes, nodding your head, holding your hands, and vowing to have more quiet in your life, in your head. beautiful things happen in the pockets of quiet we allow ourselves. give yourself more of these moments. you deserve them. happiness is a choice, so is forgiveness. these things take time and work and grace. all of us are capable of growing in grace. don't forget to remind yourself. daily. this is how you love yourself. 

3 comments:

  1. I love when you write about loving yourself. It reminds me about loving myself. And every one of these posts feels like a big, warm hug. Keep going! :)

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  2. this...yes! i needed to "hear" this right now. So inspired to make a list of what loving myself looks like...thanks!

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  3. Thank you so much, Carrie! Lists always help me. Keep it going. :)

    Rhiannon

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