on being still.

the other day i watched the most recent episode of a show i have a strong like/dislike relationship with. i don't know how else to describe it. there's something about the honesty: at times it's absolutely perfect. and other times it feels hollow. 

i've come far enough that i'm able to very quickly notice the difference. and i refuse to stand for it.

the main character said something that was sad and heavy. and beautiful.

i just want to be happy. 

she said it twice.

i just want to feel it all.

i was lying in bed at 10:30 at night watching this moment between this girl and a man be still with each other. everything felt still. 

i felt her sadness and desperation. and i felt his exasperation at not knowing how to respond. i have felt all of those things, sometimes all in the span of one moment.

it took me a really long time to learn what this meant, i just want to be happy, i just want to feel.  

to be aware and awake. and the wonderful and dangerous thing about this is that i cannot turn it off. i cannot stop wanting to feel. even on the days i pray and beg not to have to.

i want a lot and i won't apologize for this.

the want part is something only certain people understand.

it's taking an entire lifetime to learn to listen to yourself. 

it's remembering that no is a complete sentence. saying no to the things that bring you absolutely no joy is all you need to say. but there is a difficult dance of guilt and obligation and together they try to drown out your no. don't let them. 

let yourself feel. every single part of what's happening. you can't pick and choose only the black and white parts. breathe through the gray.

be still.