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April 3, 2013

winds of change.

i finished graduate school.

i left a job i've had for 2.5 years.

i left the apartment i've had for 2.5 years and moved in with a man and his daughter.

i had 4.5 inches taken off my hair.

it's been a busy week. 

for someone who is not a fan of change that is a whole lot of it. for someone who craves stability and the comfort of the familiar i've been very uncomfortable for the past week. there were revisions to complete, articles to write, a toddler's birthday party to plan, and 2.5 years to put into boxes. it's been a hard week. it's been loud and nonstop, overbooked, and then quiet at times, but mostly frustrating. i've been clumsy and forgetful and overtired. and all of it caught up with me yesterday as i started to fall asleep while having my hair cut.

change happens. it's inevitable. it's our response to the change that matters. 

grace is the goal and wanting to be there is half the battle.

winds of change. i've always liked that expression. i think it sometimes helps us see change as something light and easy. because sometimes change really is a soft breeze that blows through us and doesn't startle us. it shakes us, gently. but sometimes change feels like being in the middle of a storm and i'm trapped outside. and no matter what i do or how hard i try and fight it i can't. that's the thing, the more i fight all of this change, the more i fear it, the more power it gets and the bigger and scarier it seems.

this is not a fight worth taking on. there are certain things in life we must fight for, but being afraid of the unknown, which becomes fear of good just isn't worth the energy.

i'm learning to embrace everything that's happening to me and around me. i'm shedding old layers and leaving parts of me behind. because sometimes they don't get to go with us as we move on. they can't. and they shouldn't. we have to leave behind the things that weigh us down, the things that no longer serve us.

i'm learning to pause more. everything does not need to be unpacked on day one. it helps that i moved in with someone who's basically a human xanax. i've never met someone so calm. the boxes will get unpacked. the settling-in phase will continue. i'm in the middle of it. i am perpetually settling-in to myself and my life. i think a lot of us are.

so much good happened this week too. a dear friend had her baby. i went to dinner with a wonderfully smart woman who always makes me think about my writing and how to do more and be more. i had drinks with one of my best friends, a woman who is so damn smart she never fails to remind me exactly when i need it, don't borrow trouble. there were egg hunts and easter baskets. a holiday and warm weather visited, church, which always restores me, and a nice sunday night walk which reminded me of the joy that surrounds me. 

it's weird not to consider myself a student anymore. i no longer have that title. another thing that will take getting used to. but i'm reading a book, an actual book that isn't an assignment. i'm flying through it. it's gorgeous. 

time for myself is happening.

plans and change and life. all happening at once.

there is a season for wildness and a season for settledness, and this is neither. this season is about becoming.
-shauna niequist

i do so love this woman.

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