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February 22, 2014

things i've wanted to write about.

i'm not a writer if i'm not writing.

i had this thought about two hours ago, wide awake in bed. after i let out the dog and stopped pinning recipes on pinterest, and making moves in words with friends, i gave in. no good comes from being wide awake at 4:00 in the morning. except that i was able to hear eva stirring.

as most things do for me, i'll start back with a list, a not fully-organized list because i've been up since 3:15. my apologies.

how badly the long weeks without eva hurt. and after a year and a half they haven't gotten easier. how i don't expect them to. how i keep her bedroom door closed on those days, and only open it to put away laundry. it helps if the door stays closed.

hearing this song at a bar thursday night and having it stop me in my tracks and immediately asked the bartender who it was. how i left the bar and went to get my nails done and the kindness of the woman in the shop overwhelmed me. she gave me a tissue to wipe the rain off my face. and she wiped the rain from my purse. two small things that were exactly what i needed. and how it stopped raining once i left, and the way it felt to be back in the north side of the city for a few hours. and how the smell after a storm is one of the best things in the world.

reading this article and in the biggest understatement of the century knowing i need to up my game. how the fact that ms. morrison was a single mother of two boys would wake at 4:00 am every morning to write before work and my first thought was, what in the hell is my excuse? and then i remember that it makes a difference when we're kind to ourselves so i got off the criticism train and boarded the self-love one.

scary how easy it is to forget to be kind to ourselves.

how one awful day at work was followed by a really good one. on a friday. and how grateful i am for it, and how needed it was.

the grown woman on the train tuesday morning who called another woman a fatass. and how ugly it was.

how obsessed i am with true detective. truly and completely obsessed, watching as many behind-the-scenes clips i can get my hands on, reading articles and interviews, and sitting on an episode for a week, letting it marinate in my brain, counting the days until sunday night. it's smart and sharp and matthew mcconaughey is incredible. and should and will win every award.

i'm not a writer if i'm not writing.

it was 4:00. so i got up to write. pen, "paper," prayer. and a little pioneer woman. because she's the best.

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