Search This Blog

January 6, 2012

let her go.

wednesday was a bad day. 

now a few days removed from it, i see everything is really quite simple: little thing upon little thing piled up and everything was manifested because i waited too long between eating. i didn't pack enough snacks for the whole day. i'm still getting over a cold. and i wanted mcdonald's.

things are always much, much simpler than i make them out to be. 

i walked into jim's office and asked about his recent trip to texas. he shows me some pictures.

"you look like tim robbins," i say. "forget the eric clapton thing." he laughs. but if tim and eric had a baby, it'd be jim.

“what do you call it when every single thing, literally, every single thing physically annoys you?” i ask.

“ when everything annoys you…” he says. 

“cause right now, i’m calling it wednesday,” i say. 

he laughs and says, "want to stop avoiding things? want to tell me why you're so mad?"

"i'm not mad,” i say. i say it immediately. i say it immediately to trick myself into believing it.

i sit in the same chair and i cry. i cry for nearly an hour. in the beginning, when i was worried that he would be overly concerned about me, i’d chew gum. i thought doing this would keep me from crying.

it didn’t. 

"i'm mad that i got two plain hamburgers from mcdonald's after my class last night. i'm mad that i wanted mcdonald's on my way home today," i say.

"but two plain hamburgers isn't bad," he says.

"i don't want them. i don't need them. i shouldn't be having any of it," i snap. i feel every part of my body. i feel huge and heavy. 

"you're about to crawl out of your skin," he says.

he's right.

"i'm mad that even now  i'm still thinking about mcdonald's. i'm mad that i got sick again after christmas and haven’t been able to work out. i’m mad that i feel fatter, that i feel like i look fatter. i’m mad at the number of times i look at my face in the mirror each day,” i say.

“you are not going to wake up one day having gained back all of that weight. it’s not who you are anymore.”

this really makes the tears fall.

it’s not who you are anymore.

“it’s hard to let go of who we were for so long,” he says.

let her go. 

No comments:

Post a Comment