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March 3, 2012

expectations.



"if you hold on to the handle, she said, it's easier to maintain the illusion of control. but it's more fun if you just let the wind carry you."
-brian andreas


"the date," jim says.

"the date," i say. "it was nice. we sat and talked for three hours. he brought me flowers; i'm still processing that."

"so what happened?" jim asks.

"we sat down and i said we should agree to split the check when it came," i say.

jim shakes his head. "your generation."

"his response was, i'm not much of an arguer, especially when it makes sense. i can understand that. it's fine," i say.

it's not fine. i want someone who will argue with me, who will go toe to toe with me. every.single.time.

it's not fair that i do this.

"the words i'm not much of an arguer were a tiny red flag for me. he'd never fight with me," i say.

maybe we'd start to date.

he'd see how i am.

he'd run.

"you don't know that he wouldn't fight with you. there are different ways of calling people on their shit without being in their face about it. maybe he's a silent fighter. maybe he's a buddhist," jim says.

"he's not a buddhist, jim. i am a handful. i'm a lot, and i just think i'm too much for him," i say.

i'm too much.

"you expect a lot from other people, rhi," he says.

"i expect the most from myself."

"i know you do," he says.

i said yes to the date.

i had a nice time.

i don't want to do it again.

i can't. i throw myself into everything. i'd make him, any man, the most important thing in my life. i do it every time. this is how a person spirals and falls back into old habits. i'm trying to get these things under control.

"you need to find peace with yourself," jim says.

i nod. i close my eyes.

want to be alone. i know this is a good place to be.

i'm tired and crabby and annoyed and cold and full of cramps and medicine that makes me feel so far away from myself i groan just walking down the sidewalk. i want spring and green and baseball and sunshine and to go back to kentucky, with a less heavy heart than last time. i want a break from school and things and places and people that grate on me. that i let grate on me.

i say yes to everyone else, which in turn, means i say no to me. a lot. 

i'm trying to stop.

it's hard.

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