expectations.

"if you hold on to the handle, she said, it's easier to maintain the illusion of control. but it's more fun if you just let the wind carry you."

-brian andreas

"the date," jim says.

"the date," i say. "it was nice. we sat and talked for three hours. he brought me flowers; i'm still processing that."

"so what happened?" jim asks.

"we sat down and i said we should agree to split the check when it came," i say.

jim shakes his head. "your generation."

"his response was, i'm not much of an arguer, especially when it makes sense. i can understand that. it's fine," i say.

it's not fine. i want someone who will argue with me, who will go toe to toe with me. every.single.time.

it's not fair that i do this.

"the words i'm not much of an arguer were a tiny red flag for me. he'd never fight with me," i say.

maybe we'd start to date.

he'd see how i am.

he'd run.

"you don't know that he wouldn't fight with you. there are different ways of calling people on their shit without being in their face about it. maybe he's a silent fighter. maybe he's a buddhist," jim says.

"he's not a buddhist, jim. i am a handful. i'm a lot, and i just think i'm too much for him," i say.

i'm too much.

"you expect a lot from other people, rhi," he says.

"i expect the most from myself."

"i know you do," he says.

i said yes to the date.

i had a nice time.

i don't want to do it again.

i can't. i throw myself into everything. i'd make him, any man, the most important thing in my life. i do it every time. this is how a person spirals and falls back into old habits. i'm trying to get these things under control.

"you need to find peace with yourself," jim says.

i nod. i close my eyes.

i want to be alone. i know this is a good place to be.

i'm tired and crabby and annoyed and cold and full of cramps and medicine that makes me feel so far away from myself i groan just walking down the sidewalk. i want spring and green and baseball and sunshine and to go back to kentucky, with a less heavy heart than last time. i want a break from school and things and places and people that grate on me. that i let grate on me.

i say yes to everyone else, which in turn, means i say no to me. a lot. 

i'm trying to stop.

it's hard.