but i do want to run them even if i'm afraid
to. my legs are strong. it's my brain that needs work.
my legs are strong. i did that. i did that work. my legs
are capable of carrying me 3.1 miles. i know this. they've carried me much
farther.
fear. everything comes down to fear.
everything.
i found something in a magazine
once: FEAR: false evidence appearing real. i go back to this every
now and then. when you give your fear room to grow you give it power. you make things
bigger and worse than they are.
change how you look at things. look
at what you're afraid of. ask yourself, "what are you really afraid
of?"
ask the questions. then answer them. some
days i don't know which part is harder.
i am as afraid that i can run 3.1 miles as i
am that i can't. i'm afraid that if i trusted myself i would actually enjoy 3.1
miles, 5 miles, 7 miles. if i was able to focus on my breath and the path in
front of me i would enjoy it. sometimes
i don't know what to do if i don't purposely make things harder for myself. i'm afraid that i will continue to
lose weight if i continue to work hard.
i'm afraid that i will continue to lose
weight if i continue to work hard. i'm afraid that in letting go of anger at
myself and self-sabotage i will actually lose more weight, thus making myself
vulnerable. i am afraid to be vulnerable. vulnerable to me means i'm not safe
and i can't protect myself. this hit me in the shower at the gym yesterday after
running what felt like a marathon. i was tired, over-tired, stressed, and
worried about the 5k. i wanted to scream on the treadmill. i didn't want to be
there. i was self-conscious about my shirt and i should've shaved my legs again
and i shouldn't have worn those shorts because i always miss the same frigging
spot on my knee. i miss that spot like it's my job.
but i am taking small steps to let myself be
vulnerable. being vulnerable is a strength. and it's a muscle i'm trying to
build.
i don't doubt that i can lose more weight
and that feeling, this is confidence the likes of which i've
never known. i can see myself even healthier.
i have lost a lot of weight. my body has
changed a lot and it continues to change. i am capable and strong enough to
handle more change in my life, even on the days i refuse to believe this.
it is hard to find balance, but it is a
choice. everything is a
choice.
i can choose to say no to things that rob me
of sleep and as a result rob me of energy. i am the only person responsible for
my life, for getting myself to the gym, for saying no to things i don't want. i
choose to go to the gym and lift weights for thirty minutes. i choose the days
i'd rather sleep in and i choose the consequences of how i feel in my clothing. and when i don't like how i feel
it's time to pay attention to the reasons why.
today, this moment, i'm choosing better.
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