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June 2, 2012

on fear, part 2 of 1,000.

i'm running a 5k tomorrow. 3.1 miles i don't want to run. 

but i do want to run them even if i'm afraid to. my legs are strong. it's my brain that needs work.

my legs are strong. i did that. i did that work. my legs are capable of carrying me 3.1 miles. i know this. they've carried me much farther.

fear. everything comes down to fear. everything.

i found something in a magazine once: FEAR: false evidence appearing real. i go back to this every now and then. when you give your fear room to grow you give it power. you make things  bigger and worse than they are. 

change how you look at things. look at what you're afraid of. ask yourself, "what are you really afraid of?" 

ask the questions. then answer them. some days i don't know which part is harder.

i am as afraid that i can run 3.1 miles as i am that i can't. i'm afraid that if i trusted myself i would actually enjoy 3.1 miles, 5 miles, 7 miles. if i was able to focus on my breath and the path in front of me i would enjoy it. sometimes i don't know what to do if i don't purposely make things harder for myself. i'm afraid that i will continue to lose weight if i continue to work hard. 

i'm afraid that i will continue to lose weight if i continue to work hard. i'm afraid that in letting go of anger at myself and self-sabotage i will actually lose more weight, thus making myself vulnerable. i am afraid to be vulnerable. vulnerable to me means i'm not safe and i can't protect myself. this hit me in the shower at the gym yesterday after running what felt like a marathon. i was tired, over-tired, stressed, and worried about the 5k. i wanted to scream on the treadmill. i didn't want to be there. i was self-conscious about my shirt and i should've shaved my legs again and i shouldn't have worn those shorts because i always miss the same frigging spot on my knee. i miss that spot like it's my job.

but i am taking small steps to let myself be vulnerable. being vulnerable is a strength. and it's a muscle i'm trying to build.

i don't doubt that i can lose more weight and that feeling, this is confidence the likes of which i've never known. i can see myself even healthier. 

i have lost a lot of weight. my body has changed a lot and it continues to change. i am capable and strong enough to handle more change in my life, even on the days i refuse to believe this.

it is hard to find balance, but it is a choice. everything is a choice. 

i can choose to say no to things that rob me of sleep and as a result rob me of energy. i am the only person responsible for my life, for getting myself to the gym, for saying no to things i don't want. i choose to go to the gym and lift weights for thirty minutes. i choose the days i'd rather sleep in and i choose the consequences of how i feel in my clothing. and when i don't like how i feel it's time to pay attention to the reasons why. 

today, this moment, i'm choosing better.

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