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September 26, 2012

the green chair.

we're halfway through our sixty minute session when jim tells me i look tired. the ball cap i'm wearing in an attempt to hide this isn't working. it's been over a month since i've been in his office. things have been good. i've been working on "fixing" things without him. because there's going to come a day when i no longer have that green chair.

if you are in a good place then fly solo for a bit, he told me. 

so i did. 

but life happens. and even though nothing bad has happened, i worry. because things are good this must mean they're about to be bad. you know how wrong and draining this thought is. you feel the first second of things starting to add up. so you make an appointment, get on a train, and sit in a green chair.

sometimes you get too close to things that make you feel tired. you wait for a phone call. still. you don't write as much as you want. or run as much as you want. or sleep. you step on the scale for no good reason. things like this happen. you read what the world has to say about this woman and what she's chosen to share and you're reminded of how much ugliness exists. but also how much strength. but things like this make others feel fresh. and you have to feel all of these things all over again, but you already do, every second you're awake. because you don't know how not to. you hate this about yourself. you hate the things you wish you could let go of. 

you're a food addict. 

jim says this and i don't look at him. i spend a lot of time looking at what's on his book shelf: photos of his two sons and books about buddhism.

of course i've thought this, but the words hit a bit harder when he says them. because there's no avoiding/pretending not to hear them.

i will not let this be the rest of my life. i will free myself of this. 

certain foods trigger old feelings. they have the power to make you feel bad.

jim says this and i listen. i think of how being in a kitchen with macaroni and cheese on sunday afternoon made me feel. i didn't want it. i paused and asked myself, do you want any of this? macaroni and cheese is not bad. food is not bad. 

it's what we choose to do with what's in front of us that matters.

i paused, i don't want this. i want some taco chips and hummus. 

i want. i want i want i want. what do i want? what does my body want? what does my body need? we are worth these questions. the universe will never stop trying to convince us that we're not.

things like this exist. good is everywhere in this world.

the pause. that's the hard part, but it's everything.  

it gets easier. and then you have a few bad days and it's hard. but then it's easy again. like life.

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