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October 17, 2012

on having faith. and feeling like a fraud.

i called a woman on michigan avenue a fat ass this morning. at 7:30 on a monday morning.

i put my hand over my mouth as i admit this to jim. i hate myself for saying that word. it's not the first time i've thought something so hateful.

i said it out loud. she was halfway down the street and she took my cab. i was in a hurry.

lately it seems i am always in a hurry. i am always rushing. rushing makes my entire body ache and want to scream. in those moments i know my body is giving me a message, you need to stop. you need to slow down. you will catch another cab. you will get through this interview, this meeting, this day, this week. 

i don't like thinking of my day as something to "survive" and "get through." but sometimes this is just how i feel. this won't be forever. it's up to me to make sure this isn't a forever feeling.

saying that word on that sidewalk had nothing to do with the woman in cartoon-covered scrubs who took the cab i desperately needed to catch. i don't need to tell jim that it had nothing to do with her, that it's not about her, that it's about me not running enough and not sleeping enough and worrying far more than enough; he already knows this. 

i tell him anyway. 

you were having a bad day and you had to beat up on yourself. you had a bad morning so why not just keep going? 

jim, i write about loving yourself and being kind and patient. i feel like a fraud. i spent all weekend with a headache. chocolate and diet coke were the only things that helped. i don't want to eat like that. i don't want to have a headache that lasts four days because i don't know how to breathe. you have to remind me to breathe when i come here.

so today you feel like a fraud. it's one day.  

it's a bad day, not a bad life.

rhi, sometimes you get on a train and it just keeps rolling. you have got to learn to let things be. your life is chaotic right now. it's not going to stay that way. you're doing everything you can.

jim, it can't. it cannot stay this way.

it won't. have faith. you've got to have faith. 

life is about finding balance. it's written everywhere and everyone talks about it, how hard it is to find and hold on to. finding a way to make our lives work. it's like learning to dance: you step and misstep and catch your breath and laugh and have fun and feel happy and worry about looking dumb and stepping on someone else and ten other things, sometimes all in the matter of one song, one day. when you're angry at the world and you're angry at yourself you need to figure out how to combat it. anger is wasted energy and when you're tired all the time you need to ask yourself why.

balance and forgiveness. and remembering to remember these two.

we are all ordinary. we are all boring. we are all spectacular. we are all shy. we are all bold. we are all heroes. we are all helpless. it just depends on the day.
-brad meltzer

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for writing this post, I am struggling with finding the balance right now...this part "my day as something to "survive" and "get through" is what I am trying to do right now. It can't rain forever right? A storm cloud has to run out of rain sometime. Hang in there friend!