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January 22, 2013

the things we can and cannot control.

i woke up this morning in a really bad mood. a heavy feeling sat on my chest until i got out of bed. it stayed most of the morning.

these days happen when you're waiting for phone calls and hoping for good news and praying every spare moment you've got. when you're holding your breath and whispering please please please while you wash your face and pour your coffee and get on the train and go about your day. when you're in the middle of two dozen things you can't control.

i like control, order, structure. i often think it'd be easier to control every aspect of my life.


life is pretty much in the grays for the most part and if you insist always on black and white you are going to be very unhappy. 
-the last kiss 

the line from this movie has always stayed with me. i'm a black and white person. i like knowing where things stand and my place in them. 

life doesn't work this way.

our days and our plans are not things we construct from pages in a book. a life is not something you order off a menu. you can organize everything down to the day and to the second, but sometimes something happens and gets in the way.

life. 

you cannot anticipate every moment.

this is a blessing.

give up the need to control every moment. holding your breath won't change the outcome of a day except make you tired.
 
life is not a string of wonderful days. it is high and low and ugly and gratifying and heavy and we find ourselves in the middle.

pay better attention to the life happening around you, the signs the universe is giving you.

hearing a waitress sing the word "faith" during a mavis staples song. watching her bounce from table to table singing and smiling.

your favorite bob marley song, the one that gives you chills, listen to it. listen again. believe the words. have faith in the words.

spend less time being annoyed by people on the train and the sidewalk. they have nothing to do with you or the direction of your day. unless you choose this.

choose better.

sometimes a bad day is just a bad day. let it go and start again. 

keep working. don't give up. pray that you'll be able to handle the hard and scary parts. keep yourself open to all of it. this is how one creates a life. and share the hard and scary with the world. scream these parts. scream them and let them go.

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