on getting there.

a woman i know recently talked about going to dinner without any thought of calories or fat or any of those distractions that often appear when one goes to a restaurant and sits down to a menu.

i was jealous. 

jealous because i'm not in that place. i've never been in that place. jim assures me i can get to that place when i learn to "relinquish control."

those two words scare me. they scare me because i can't imagine doing it. i don't know how.

i read this woman's words and thought, i look forward to that day. i look forward to the day when i can sit down to a menu and not feel stress. i look forward to the day when i am not so acutely aware of food and how many calories are in this pasta vs. that pasta vs. this sandwich that it consumes an entire meal/day/life. i look forward to the day when i don't think, "which is the lesser of two evils?" 

i look forward to the day when i fully forgive myself. because i haven't. and i often wonder if i'll ever be able to. i know i'm the only one who can answer that. 

juggling awareness and control is a dance. i don't know how to have one without the other.

i look up menus before going to new restaurants. i know ahead of time what i'll order. i have a plan. this is a necessity. this relentless need for control comes after the long-standing absence of it. 

it's all about letting go. 

letting her go.

letting yourself breathe.

fear is a hard thing to shake especially when we won't loosen our grip.

but sometimes i am able to eat dinner and enjoy what's on my plate, savor what i'm choosing to feed my body. and sometimes it's a whole bunch of chocolate because stressful days happen and stressful days add up.

but it's gotten easier. crazily, thankfully, somehow where i am, today, is easier than three years ago, five years ago, ten years ago. i have faith it will continue to get easier. 

forgiveness takes time. acceptance takes time.

food is not the enemy. our minds are far more dangerous than anything we put on our plates.