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March 12, 2013

sit and spin.

i sit in front of this computer and i think. 

i sit and i think and i stare and i type.

finally.

i sit and i look at the medical forms next to me i need to fill out because i'm changing doctors. i think of the fact that i have ben to list as an emergency contact. i sit and i smile. i think of the three essays i need to revise for my class, the last i will take as a graduate student. i sit and try to think of myself in a way that no longer includes the word student. i think of the essays i had to read for tonight's class and how in one response i wrote, you have not shown us this so you have not earned the right to use it. i think of the fact that in my entire graduate and undergraduate career i can count on one hand the number of bone-deep honest conversations we've had in writing workshops. i think this is bullshit. i think that i haven't been challenged and pushed enough inside these classrooms. i know this to be true, but lord knows i've done enough pushing outside those rooms.

i think of how much time passes while listening to bon iver. and i feel a bit of sadness for anyone who's never gotten lost in justin vernon's voice.

i think of the meeting with my professor i have before class and how i want to say, can we be honest with each other in this class? we have two weeks left. can we just cut the shit and call each other on taking the easy way out and not working hard enough and not going far enough? why must we be so careful all the time? can we talk about the fact that it is painfully obvious that this person forgot about the due date and wrote this essay in an hour and it shows? and that this takes away from my time. my time. 

i am done wasting my time. 
 
i think of the four articles i'm working on for one publication in particular, a publication i'm beyond thankful exists. i think of the people i've emailed asking to be interviewed, the phone calls on my lunch breaks, the editing, and dissecting of notes, the endless revision process. i think of the love i have that this is my calling.

i think of the baby shower i went to for a good friend on saturday and how just five years ago we did a play together. and now she's going to be a mom. 

i think of the friends and cousins having babies and third babies and how much changes when you get caught up in the busy of your life.

i think of the fact that in nineteen days i will live with a man for the first time. and how much this scares and excites me.

i think that i couldn't possibly fit one more thing into this month. it's not enough to finish graduate school, change jobs, and move. i need to add two dozen other things.

i think that the worst thing about me is my absolute inability to get a grasp on the stress in my life.

i sit and i type and i stand up. my life is waiting. everything is waiting.

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