what we do next, hopefully with a bit of grace.

i've been thinking about change, mainly because i'm in the middle of a whole lot of it. i've been reading a lot about it, which means people are writing about it, which, at least for me, is how i work things out. 

  i write entirely to find out what i'm thinking, what i'm looking at, what i see and what it means. what i want and what i fear.

-joan didion

when it comes to change, it seems we either want it all at once, on our terms from a bullet-point list with sixty five stipulations on it, or none at all. i won't speak for anyone else, but i know this to be true for myself.

i read this earlier today and it made me smile. and nod. a lot.

sometimes we’re shoved or dragged through the doorway of Change, or awakened abruptly to find the door, the room, maybe the entire house and neighborhood gone.

what’s important, i suppose, is what we do next.
 

the other day i said to jim, this just isn't where i thought i'd be at 28. but i also never asked myself the questions, where did i even want to be? what kind of life did i want to create for myself?

i didn't ask myself questions, any of them.

there's so much i want to be doing. and i'm very impatient, jim.

 

yes, you are, he said. you were kinda hidden for a long, long time. you had so many responsibilities. it's only in the last three years you've started living your own life.

i'm happy as hell for you. i just wish you'd be happy for you. you're always trying to think 3, 4, 5 steps ahead of everything. you've got to stop doing that, rhi. if you keep doing that, you're going to miss the best parts of your life right now. 

change is hard. it's hard because i fear it. and i fear it because it's something i can't control. but i can control certain parts of it: how i react to what's happening around me, which is just about the hardest part. it's everything. i can push it away, kicking and screaming and fuming because i'm afraid. 

or i can take a breath, open my eyes, feel the fear, and jump anyways.

i'm choosing to jump. with eyes and heart wide open.