at this time last year i made a "what i know at 28" list. i like the idea of reflecting, on one day at a time, but also the passing of a year. a whole year, one in which we sometimes move in with a man and his two year-old daughter. and finish graduate school. and see babies be born and loved ones leave far too soon. and go through three jobs. and finally find a really great one. and i like to write about birthdays. i love birthdays; i always have. and i particularly love having one so close to christmas. there is magic at christmas. period.
at 3:05 this afternoon i turn 29, which begs the questions, when in the hell did this happen? where did my twenties go? for one thing i would say the #8 bus where i spent an ungodly amount of time during graduate school.
it feels so good to write again. i've been scribbling for weeks in my notebook on the train and my lunch. and naturally i'm back with a list.
what i have learned this past year, on the eve of turning 29...
everything is a form of prayer. i feel this when i walk, when i talk with ben late at night as we're falling asleep and again when we wait for eva to wake up. i feel it when we put eva to bed and she rubs my hair and talks about everything under the sun and wants stories and songs and to talk about how sloth really needs to go outside. crying is prayer. it's release. these things fill us up which is good because so many others leave us feeling depleted.
some of the best conversations/nights have started with, i'm scared. or hi.
it is really fucking hard to be vulnerable. brene brown is helping me with this.
it is really fucking hard to forgive. period.
should is a dangerous and useless word.
when you meet the author who has changed your life you will cry. you will shake when you hand her the letter you wrote. you will take the four pages of notes you wrote while she spoke at a church in boystown and you will DO SOMETHING WITH ALL OF IT.
silence is severely underrated. we fear it because silence is scary and the instinct is to fill it. i beg you, learn to sit with yourself. again, this is hard. it gets easier. i promise.
trite but true, when you know you know. about love, jobs, health, that movie on netflix, etc... the trouble happens when we don't listen.
green tea is severely underrated. i take one sip and it's like i've been through an hour of yoga. minus the swearing.
loving eva has helped me learn to love myself again. i forgot for a little while. and then i remembered that it is something i need to be doing for myself; i remembered, but deliberately chose to do the opposite. because that felt natural and familiar to me. but those thoughts and actions are poison.
sometimes the ends of things feel like deaths. other times they feel like you're coming to life again. when you know you know.
29 will be a beautiful year. because i want it to be and wanting is half the battle. it's the first step, but the biggest. it will be the year i throw away all, but one!, of my nude lipsticks and wear bright pink. or red. red! it will be the year i bake and cook more because these are two of the best things i do for myself: taking the time to take care of myself. it will be the year of more dancing and writing and singing. it will be the year i find myself again, in every possible way. because i went away for a bit these past few, or seven months. and i'm slowly, ever so slowly, finding my way back.
to 29. cheers.
p.s. to the people who politely, consistently, lovingly asked when i'd write on here again, thank you for the push.