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May 10, 2015

a love letter to eva, on my first mother's day.

Dear Eva,

I've been your step mom for nearly eight months. We've been a family for nearly eight months. They have been wonderful and hard and more fulfilling than I'd imagined.

I have a lot of wishes for you, basic things like only fall in love with people worthy of you, find a great job with amazing benefits that makes you happy, keep a journal, floss-seriously, travel, travel, travel, and never be hurt by anyone. Ever. Small things, nothing major. I wanted to share some of the big ones today, a day full of reminders that I'm a mom. Better than anything, I get to be one of your moms. I will never take this for granted. I love you so.

Find things that bring you joy, emphasis on things. As many as possible. Right now you love to draw and color, dance, and help me cook. I hope you hold onto these things. Maybe five years from now you still will. Maybe you'll find new things and then come back to these and change your mind ten more times. Who knows? That's the maybe. There is power in maybe. Power and possibility. I hope you remember how good and full these things make you feel while you do them. I hope you are brave enough to stop doing anything that no longer feels good.

Please know life is actually shorter than everyone says. It's painful and frustrating how true this is.

You will not understand how vital it is to love yourself until the first time you realize you do. Or you realize you don't. Maybe not until you're twenty-five and someone asks why you don't. The sting of that question will stay with you. I hope you always love yourself and part of my job is to teach you how, to remind you, to show you by example-which some days feels like my own personal Everest. Because I see you watch me and you notice everything which is the biggest blessing shake-me-wake-me-up-call.

I pray you stay as caring and thoughtful as you are today at age four. Yesterday we were talking about London and you asked if we could go there. In the car this morning you told us you missed Sloth, out of nowhere. You talked about missing him and loving him. Hold onto that, even when it hurts and makes you vulnerable, which it will. Life only works this way.

I am always on your side. I love you.







1 comment:

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