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November 5, 2015

Enough.

I cried in the back of a cab tonight. It's been a long time since I did that.
I cried because today was the kind of day in which nothing "happened" even though it felt as if everything happened. In my work-life it did. In my life-life it did. Today felt like a marathon and it wouldn't let up. 
It was one day, a whopper of a day yes, but one day. A bad day does not equal a bad life.
I left work late, ran to a cab, and sat in traffic that hardly moved for fifteen minutes. I called Ben and we talked about our days and how much can change in one afternoon, in one email. And I cried. I cried because life will not stop and so many things are undecided and almost decided and not decided by us and I don't have time for it. I don't have energy or patience or forgiveness for it. I cried because I am tired and that is my constant.
I caught every red light. 
I missed my train.
I had to wait thirty-three minutes for the next one. 
Thirty-three minutes I could've spent with Eva. I cried because I miss so much and tonight, sitting in the back of a cab on a street where nothing moved was a smack-in-the face reminder. Time with her is gold and it's fleeting. 
It's never enough.
Even on the hard days when I feel like I have no energy and no patience and I'm not enough for her there's never enough time. 
In those thirty-three minutes I walked to a tiny sushi restaurant near my train station, a restaurant I went to during graduate school simply because it was a block from my class. I remember the twenty-six year-old who used to sit in that restaurant. A young woman so sad and lonely she went to crowded restaurants just to feel less alone, to feel a part of things. to hear noise and people talking with one another. Twenty-six, before Ben, before Eva, before marriage and parenthood. Before the hard parts and the heavy parts and the magic.
I cried because being a parent is hard. Being a step-parent is hard. I forget this. Because the bulk of my time with her, my life with her since she was fifteen months old has felt easy.
I know I was born to love this girl and her father. 
I cried because there will never be enough time. 

Q: G, why do you cry so much?
A: For the same reason I laugh so much. Because I'm paying attention.
-Glennon Doyle Melton
 

3 comments:

  1. I seldom read these but something told me to. I can not express to you how touched i am after reading it. I finally don't feel alone. I cry for my children, I cry for my parents and my siblings..but I also cry when I feel utter joy in hearing my daughter sing, or hearing of the successes the kids have had. Even looking at pictures from a year ago that remind me of the best days. Thank you for writing your post, and although time is short it's not the physical time you spend anyway it's the memories you create when you do.

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