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May 5, 2012

on healing.

today was a bad day. this week was a bad week. sometimes life catches up with a person. but lately, i feel like i've been trying to catch up with my life. 

i had a conversation in the parking lot of a barbecue restaurant on tuesday that made me feel amazing. more than that, it lightened my load. 

it takes a lot for me to feel that

i sat down this morning to write about it. and i did. in between laundry and revising an article for my editor, i began to write about this five-minute conversation. and it made me feel calmer and lighter. so i kept going. and going. and going. 

i was ready to post it. it was long and involved and heavy and sad and infuriating. and honest. and i really wanted to share it because "if i post it, then it's out in the universe and i'm done with it." that's what i told myself. 

actions have consequences. putting things on this blog creates questions from people who don't know the whole story.

so i called my friend cristina and before i could say anything i cried. 

i have to put this on my blog. i have to let go of this.

she listened.

i can't keep being this angry with myself. 

she listened some more.

i'm trying to protect myself from things that have already happened to me.

she talked me back to a place of quiet. she told me," there is no one pushing you on this except for yourself, so give yourself a little break, at least on this, at least for a little while. go walk. get away from the article and your blog and your emails and walk. you'll feel better." 

what heals you? truly heals you?

walking. walking heals me. i walked everywhere in italy. i lost four pounds in five weeks. in italy. when in doubt, leave your chair/bed/home and walk. leave your phone, leave your music. just walk. 

talking to strangers while waiting for the bus. this heals me. 

going to bed early with the windows open. this heals me. 

waking even earlier. this heals me.

flirting with that really nice and sexy guy who lives too damn far away, but loves baseball as much as i do. counting this good-hearted man as a friend. this heals me.

bob marley. bob marley heals me, especially no woman, no cry

eating chicken fajitas and spanish rice, and drinking lime margaritas in a quiet kitchen, with a lilac candle on the table as the only light, and a cat glued to the windowsill next to my right arm. this heals me. 

cancelling plans heals me. when the thought of one more thing makes me tense my body, it's time to reschedule that breakfast/coffee/dinner.

i can't wait to wake early and walk into that quiet again. tomorrow will be better. 

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