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March 15, 2013

why i write, part 1 of infinity.

inspired by this, i wrote the following.

i write, early in the morning before the world around me wakes up. on the bus in the company of strangers. at work, behind a big bustling brown desk. stealing twenty minutes during lunch. after dinner, during a bath, after a bath, after a bottle of wine, while trying to fall asleep. i write because some days it's the only thing that makes me feel like myself. 

i write with mary chapin carpenter in my ears. i become a strong woman by channeling other strong women.

i write because i've always been that person asking why?

i write because it makes me feel good and it makes me feel tired, but it's the best tired because it's one you earn.

i write because the sound of my fingers tapping a keyboard is a comfort, like my mother's voice. 

i write because i found a pink typewriter in an indiana antique store seven years ago and had to have it. 

i write because i've been blessed to have teachers tell me i should and could.

i write to give myself a voice because for too long i didn't. i had no idea how. and then i did and chose not to. those days still pop up. those are good writing days.

i write because it's hard. and some days it's fun, the days it doesn't feel like a job. the days i'm riding the bus and pull out my phone and furiously type notes to myself because i had a thought and God help me if i lose it. the days i scribble on napkins and newspapers when those are the only things in front of me.

words are easily lost. everything gets written down. everything gets saved. the organization comes later.

i write because i love to read. as a child if i wasn't at school or home i was at the library. it was my safe place. i write because i have three library cards, soon to be four.

i write because of anne lamott, william shakespeare, joan didion, anna quindlen, nora ephron, and truman capote. bruce springsteen, e.e. cummings, john lennon, bob marley, billie holiday. i write because i can articulate how i feel every single time i read/hear their words.

i write because i'm in love with the word articulate. 

i write because i remember how i felt reading the things they carried for the first time: i want to do this. i have to do this.

i write because i have a lot on my plate. i want to remember all of it. even the dark parts.
i write because jim reminds me i have to. this is why you were born.

i write to feel lighter, less on my heart and shoulders and chest. some days it's the only thing that works.

i write to let go and i write to hold on.

i write to give more of myself to this world that wants more of me and more from me.

i write because i'm angry and because i'm happy. i know what hope feels like, what fear feels like, and i know the feeling of having a grasp on both.  

i write because no matter the time, the day, the place, i'm trying to figure out something. 

my life. 

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